Sex, Drugs, and Jesus

I recently told my son how the baby gets into the Mommy. It may have been early but I figure at nine he’s halfway to college and I’m pretty sure they’ll tell him there.

I made a date with him to throw down the facts. Then I got cold feet and wondered if his dad shouldn’t be the one to do the honor. But my husband isn’t good with gory details. And he was traveling. I tried reaching him, but the cell tower gods didn’t cooperate.

To prevent myself from chickening out, on the drive to the coffee house I told my son I was finally going to tell him about where babies come from. When he started asking questions I whipped out the old answer-with-a-question technique.

“Well, how do you think the baby gets in there?”

“I know about the eggs and seeds, but how do the seeds get in there?”

“I think you know enough.”

Once we’d settled into Starbucks and found a seat outside, I tried to squirm out of it again. I stalled, reminding him that this wasn’t something he needed to talk about with his friends.

“Come on, Mom. Tell me.”

I took a deep breath, surprised at how uncomfortable I had become.

“Okay so you know that the seed fertilizes the egg right?”

“Yeah, just like animals.”

“Yes, exactly like animals.”

“Then what?”

“That’s basically it.”

“But how does the seed get into the Mommy?” It was getting hard for me to breathe.

“Well,” I said, “the Daddy puts the seed into the Mommy.”

“How?”

Oh my God with the questions! Breathe – Relax – Breathe…..

“Well, you know how private parts are special right?”

“Yeah.”

“You know how a baby comes out?”

“From here,” he says, putting his hand on his crotch.

“From a girl.”

“Yeah I know that.” Duh.

“So private parts are for?”

“Going to the bathroom and babies?”

“Right. So if a girl’s private parts are for going to the bathroom and babies, what do you think a boy’s private parts are for?”

“Peeing?”

“And?”

“Babies?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t get it.”

“The seed comes from your penis.”

“O-kaaaaaay,” he said. “But I still don’t know how it gets into the Mommy.” I took a very deep breath and held onto my chair. “The-daddy-puts-his-penis-into-the-mommy’s-vagina.”

“GROSS!”

“I know, it’s totally gross.”

“That’s disgusting!”

“It is. You’re right.” He was starting to grin. “When you grow up and get married and want to have a baby it won’t seem so gross. I promise.”

“So that’s it?”

“That’s all. That’s sex.”

When we called Dad to tell him what we’d learned, my son said,

“I’m probably too young to know this but Mom just told me how the baby gets into the Woman.”

Now it’s Woman? What happened to Mommy?

He whispered into the phone, “Did you really have to put your you-know-what into Mommy’s you-know-what?”

The agony.

“Ask if he has anything to add,” I said.

After a few minutes my son handed me the phone.

“He’s all grown up,” my husband said. “I think his voice is changing.”

We hung up and I explained how kids are going to tell him all kinds of crazy things, but I’ll always tell him the truth. I reminded him that he could always ask me anything.

“There’s a lot of confusion out there,” I said. “Some people will try to trick you and other kids are just plain dumb. You need to come to me for all the important information.”

And in one evening, we went from ‘Come on, Mom, tell me.’ to:

“Yeah, yeah, Mom – Sex, Drugs, and Jesus. I get it.”